That 👊
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Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
This story is comedy gold 😂
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone