That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
You Might Also Like
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.