That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
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Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
This is a bad sign
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.