that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.