That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Oh my God.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.