That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Breaking news:
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.