That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.