That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring


Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.


who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?


I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips


I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.


Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.


In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.


My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.


Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open