That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
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Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.