That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
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I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind