That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.