That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
OH. COME. ON.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge