That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

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To err is human… To not know what err means is American.


HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]


Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy


coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call


I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.


Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…


Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house