That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
You Might Also Like
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
thanks auntie mary
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.