Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
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To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house