That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.