That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.