That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.