That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Stop sending me this shit.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I wish this was real life…
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”