That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.