That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer