That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.