That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it