That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
You Might Also Like
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?