That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
iPhone X
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST