That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
cat vs inanimate object
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.