That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
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I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on