That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
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When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby: