That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
(True)
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Lmbo
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it