That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
ATMs should have breathalyzers