“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.