@IsaacDisdain

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

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@TurboJellyBean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

@k8ieokay

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

@88mugsy88

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

@BigHeb7

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

@

This makes total sense…

@GirlsNoteBook

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

@OnlyFastEddie

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

@VivoTranquil0

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.