“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

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-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.


I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.


*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”


“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie


If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?


My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”


My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”



Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle


*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*


Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.