that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening