That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.