That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
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Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
so much to do
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.