“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
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Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting