That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
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I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now