That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’m being attacked 😭
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.