that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
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cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.