That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
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You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.