@PanicRestroom

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

You Might Also Like

@AnniemuMary

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

@Playing_Dad

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

@AmishPornStar1

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

@pleatedjeans

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

@Jake_Vig

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

@weinerdog4life

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

@bigpoppadrunk

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

@withanewname

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?