That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

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Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.


Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad


I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters


[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]


I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.


The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.


Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it


Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?