That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Me driving through Toronto
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.