That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.