That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.