That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.