“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
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non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro