That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit