that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
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I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Children of the corn 🌽
