That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
road rage
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Was it something I said?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Can’t. About to go please some beans
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?