@heatherlou_

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

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@smiles_and_nods

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

@clichedout

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

@XGroverX

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

@IamEveryDayPpl

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

@WhatsHerFace33

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

@lionheaded_

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

@wildethingy

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

@CulturedRuffian

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

@0ne_1980

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.