“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.