“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

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Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.


ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce


“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”


*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*


A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.


Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.


Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.


Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.


Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.


Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.