That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
“I’m helping” 😅
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I was just discussing this with my cat
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…