That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Same post same
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?