That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I have never related to anyone more.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman