That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring