That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My plans: 2020:
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.